When someone wrongs you, how do you react?

What is your reaction determined by? Should you forgive and forget, or does that make you a pushover?

One of the topics that comes up for discussion in MMM is forgiveness. Not an easy topic, and not an easy thing to do sometimes. Even when you consider that forgiveness is not the same  as reconciliation, it can still be hard to really let go of feelings of resentment, hurt, blame, anger, and the desire for the perpetrator to be punished in some way.

“They had it coming to them” is a phrase you hear when someone experiences misfortune, and this misfortune can make us feel a little relieved somehow, especially if that person did something that we consider was wrong towards us personally. It reinforces some sense of invisible justice. Implicit in that is that punishment is what is needed when someone does wrong. This may seem self-evident. “Of course, if someone does something wrong they need to be punished”, you might think.

Otherwise it looks like they got away with it, were let off the hook, and therefore will transgress again.

But is that the only way, the right way, or even the best way?

There’s a lot of exposure at the moment to another way of dealing with people who break a society’s codes of conduct, be they legal, moral or cultural. This way is attributed to the Bemba tribe of Northern Zaire.

(As an aside, notice how inaccuracies creep in via the wonderful worldwide web. The tribe is often called the Babemba and said to live in South Africa!)

Here’s a well-cited description of how the Bemba deal with wrong-doers:

“…when a person acts irresponsibly or unjustly, he is placed in the centre of the village, alone and unfettered. All work ceases, and every man, woman, and child in the village gathers in a large circle around the accused individual. Then each person in the tribe speaks to the accused, one at a time, each recalling the good things the person in the centre of the circle has done in his lifetime. Every incident, every experience that can be recalled with any detail and accuracy, is recounted. All his positive attributes, good deeds, strengths, and kindnesses are recited carefully and at length. This tribal ceremony often lasts for several days. At the end, the tribal circle is broken, a joyous celebration takes place, and the person is symbolically and literally welcomed back into the tribe.”

Is this true? There’s doesn’t seem to be much written evidence to back it up, which makes it neither true nor not true.  Does this matter? Perhaps not. The important thing is that here is another way of seeing wrong-doing. It is not the person who is bad. It is their behaviour. And rather than apportioning blame, the social group take responsibility to “heal” the miscreant by reminding them that they belong to the group, are loved, and have good inside them that they may not see and need to be reminded of.

Food for thought, especially when talking about forgiveness.